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ENGLISHMAN LIVING IN THE HIGHLANDS OF SCOTLAND

'Our First Winter'

DEC. 20TH

It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen for years.

The wife & I took out hot toddies and sat on the porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It's so beautiful & peaceful.

DEC. 24th

Woke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering as far as the eye could see.

What a fantastic sight everything covered with a beautiful white mantel. I shovelled snow for the first time ever and loved it! I did both our driveway & the pavement.

Later that day a snowplough came along & accidently covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled & waved. I waved back & shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with coal for eyes & a carrot for a nose and had a snowball fight - a couple just missed me & hit the car so I threw a couple back & joined in the fun.

DEC. 26th

It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temp dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees & bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our drive again.

Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by & did his trick again! Much of the snow is now brownish/grey.

JAN. 1st

Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon became ice when the temp. dropped again.

Bought snow tyres for both our cars.

Fell on my arse in the driveway.

Went to physio but nothing was broken.

JAN. 5th

Still cold. Sold the wife's car & bought her a 4X4 to get her to work.

She slid into a wall & did considerable damage to right wing.

Had another 8 inches of white shite last night.

Both vehicles are covered in salt & iced up slush.

That bastard snowplough came by twice today. Where's that bloody shovel?

JAN.9th

More f***ing snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't been damaged.

Power was off most of the night.

Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles & a paraffin heater that tipped over & nearly torched the house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands. Lost my eyebrows & eyelashes.

Car hit a f***ing deer on the way to casualty & written off!

JAN.13th

F***ing bastard white shite just keeps on coming down.

Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box.

The little shites next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back.

I'll shove that carrot so far up the little pricks arses; it'll take a good surgeon hours to find it.

If I ever catch that arsehole that drives that snowplough I'll chew open his chest & rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the bastard hides round the corner & waits for me to finish shovelling then he accelerates down the street like Michael f***ing Schumacher & buries the f***ing drive again.

JAN. 17th

16 more sodding inches of f***ing snow & f***ing ice & f***ing sleet & God knows what other white shite fell last night.

I am in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice pick.

Can't move my f***ing toes. Haven't seen the sun for 5 weeks. Minus 20, This place really is the arse end of nowhere. I'm moving back to civilisation.